By Nooshi Ghasedi
Many of the difficulties people bring into therapy relate to relationships. They may describe feeling anxious about being left, pulling away during conflict, or feeling disconnected, even when they care deeply. These experiences are common and not signs that something is wrong, but reflections on which lessons a person learned about their needs, trust, and safety in early relationships.
Attachment describes how we learn to seek closeness, respond to emotional needs (including our own), and protect ourselves when connection feels uncertain. These patterns begin early in life, shaped by experiences of care, consistency, and emotional responsiveness. Driven by an innate human will to survive, we develop patterns that make sense in the environments where they formed.
As adults, these patterns often show up most clearly in close relationships. Intimate connections tend to activate old expectations about closeness, safety, and emotional availability. People may find themselves reacting in ways that feel familiar but frustrating, even when they have insight or
strong intentions to do otherwise.
Attachment is often described using categories such as secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Developed by psychology pioneers Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, the concept attachment is meant to offer language that helps us understand our emotions and behaviors in relationships. Most people recognize aspects of more than one pattern, and attachment can look different depending on the relationship or the level of stress involved.
Secure attachment is associated with a general sense that relationships are safe and that conflicts can be resolved. Anxious attachment often involves sensitivity to emotional distance and a strong pull toward reassurance and closeness. Avoidant attachment may show up as discomfort with vulnerability or a tendency to withdraw when emotional intensity increases.
Disorganized attachment can involve mixed and conflicting responses to closeness and is often shaped by relational unpredictability or trauma early in life.
It is important to note that the framework of attachment does not explain everything about how people relate, as relational patterns are also shaped by social and cultural contexts. Ongoing stress related to finances, housing, health, discrimination, or immigration can affect emotional
availability and reactivity in ways that have little to do with early attachment. Cultural norms influence how closeness, emotion, and independence are expressed.
Gender socialization, neurodivergence, later-life trauma, and unequal power dynamics within relationships can all shape how people show up with one another. In these cases, behaviors that appear to be attachment patterns may be better understood as adaptations to real and ongoing circumstances.
What matters most is not identifying a label but understanding that these patterns are learned, responsive to context, and therefore can be changed. Over time, many people develop greater flexibility in how they relate, such as through corrective experiences in an emotionally safe relationship, self-reflection, and therapeutic support. The process is gradual and focuses on slowly expanding tolerance for closeness, repair, and emotional presence.
You may find it helpful to reflect on the following questions with curiosity and compassion:
- How do you tend to respond when you feel disconnected?
- What helps you feel emotionally safe during conflict?
- What patterns seem to repeat in your relationships?
Understanding our patterns provides us with the insight we need to make meaningful changes in our lives. With awareness and support, there is room for our patterns to shift, allowing relationships to feel more stable and more supportive over time.