forgive

By: Betsy Pownall

What does it mean to forgive someone for harm they have inflicted on you? 

In the Buddhist tradition, it is a deep insightful process that one goes through to truly forgive another. Forgiveness is not for the other, nor does it depend on the other to seek reconciliation. 

Here are some Buddhist ideas around forgiveness:

1. In order to forgive we must be able to see the suffering and ‘unskillfulness’ of the person perpetrating harm. When we are able to see that the person is a victim of their own suffering, that we are ‘only victim number two or three’, it is easier to forgive.
2. Forgiveness means we have decided to not retaliate and seek revenge. 
3. Forgiveness means ending the reactive patterns in our lives by no longer putting up with bad behavior. One may forgive but not necessarily forget.
4. Forgiveness does not imply blind acceptance of the other.
5. Forgiveness means you are no longer afraid, you no longer feel resentment, and you are able to see the woundedness in the person who harmed you. If we are no longer afraid of our perpetrator, we no longer hate them, thus we no longer seek vengeance.
6. Forgiveness means we can feel compassion for our perpetrator, yet not accept their misconduct.
7. Forgiveness is unconditional. 
8. Forgiveness means that we believe ignorance is the main cause of wrongdoing and that those who harm us are suffering themselves.
9. Forgiveness is a transformative process for the person who goes through the process of forgiving.
10. The act of forgiving deepens us, emotionally and spiritually.
11. Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself regardless of whether or not the perpetrator is seeking forgiveness
12. Forgiveness is a virtue that we can cultivate within ourselves. 
13. Forgiveness provides mental calmness and is essential in cultivating compassion.
14. Just because we feel we ought to forgive someone does not mean we are always able to do so. 
15. The practice of forgiving is the cultivation of insightful awareness, compassion, and mental stability.

Sources: 

Bhikku, T. 2004. “Reconciliation, Right & Wrong”, accesstoinsight.org/ati/lib/thanisarro/reconciliation.

Eds. 2009. “Buddha on Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Right and Wrong”, califia.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/buddha-on-forgiveness-reconciliation-and-right-wrong.

Lin, CT. 2021. “With or Without Repentance: a Buddhist Take on Forgiveness, Ethical Perspectives” 28/3 : 263-285.“Thich Nhat Hanh on Forgiveness”, Plum Village Retreats 2013-2014. plumvillage.app/thic-nhat-hanh-on-forgiveness