Notes on Self Love

By: Mindy Laroco

Common messaging we’re given about love — whether it’s from movies, TV shows, cultural values, or society (especially now as we enter February and Valentine’s Day approaches) — tends to be very focused on loving other people. 

And while love for romantic partners, family members, and friends is important, the lack of messaging about how self-love is equally as important makes it easy for us to forget that building and strengthening our relationship to ourselves is a priority for healthy, balanced relationships overall. I would argue that our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship of all. I mean, who is going to spend more time with you… than you? 

Now, you may be thinking, what is self-love? It can be challenging to understand what this is because it looks different for everyone. I think a helpful way to think about self-love is to focus on what helps you feel connected, appreciative, and curious about yourself. What are activities or ways that you like to spend time that allow you to feel like you can just exist as yourself without any external expectations? Are there things that you’ve wanted to try that you just haven’t for whatever reason? Some of the goals of practicing self-love are to show up for yourself, understand yourself better,  and meet your own needs. It can be hard to know where to start, but regardless of where you are on your journey with yourself, I invite you to consider an activity I have to offer that focuses on self-love. 

A self-love practice

You may or may not be familiar with the 5 love languages (Quality time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gift Giving, and Physical Touch), and while they are usually discussed when talking about giving and receiving love to/from others, I think they are a great way to also practice self-love! For this practice, the goal is to come up with ways that you can love yourself using the 5 love languages. Below, I will give some examples, but I encourage you to get creative, think outside the box, and focus on what is going to make you feel the most loved. (And if you’re still not sure, that’s okay, have fun with curiosity about yourself!) 

• Quality time 
  • For quality time, think about ways that leave you feeling rejuvenated afterward and focus on what you want to do. This is time meant for you, so spend it in a way that feels honoring to yourself! I like to think of this time as a “solo date.” Treat yourself 🙂
    • Some examples are reading, creating art (of any kind), going to your favorite restaurant and getting your favorite meal, watching your favorite movies or shows, journaling, checking out a place that you’ve always wanted to go to but have not been to yet (i.e., a museum, bookstore, etc.) 
      • Something that can add to this time with yourself is staying off your phone if you can. Try to be present with yourself, with whatever you choose to do! 

• Acts of Service 
  • This can be any action that contributes to a sense of ease and relaxation. What are things that are going to make your life easier either in the moment or in the future? 
    • Some examples are cleaning, meal prepping, picking out a cute outfit that you feel good in even if you’re just going to run errands, preparing things for yourself that you might need for the next morning/day so that you don’t have to spend time getting all of your things together or rushing, making sure basic hygiene needs are met, drinking enough water, eating a nutritious meal,  etc. 
• Words of Affirmation 
  • Words of Affirmation can be challenging because it may feel foreign or awkward to praise yourself or say affirming things to yourself. I would encourage you to try giving yourself affirmations despite this. Usually, things that feel new won’t feel natural, but over time, they will! 
    • Digging deeper into this category can be really helpful because, while affirmations like “I am enough” and “I am worthy of love” are wonderful to use, having more specific affirmations about yourself adds an extra layer of intimacy with the self. Some examples of more specific affirmation are: 
      • “I am really proud of myself for ___”
      • “I did really well at ____” 
      • “One of my favorite things about myself is ____” 
    • The key is to make the affirmations specific to you and to practice appreciation for who you are! 
• Gift Giving
  • I will echo what I mentioned under Quality Time, treat yourself! Gift giving does not need to be expensive; I’m not asking you to break the bank here.
    •  Some examples of gift giving could be as simple as buying your favorite candy or snack, visiting a used bookstore, going to the library and getting a new book that you’ve never heard of but sounds interesting, or cooking or making your favorite meal (or a new meal you’ve been wanting to try). What’s something that you can give yourself that helps you feel special or like you’re really devoting love to yourself? 
• Physical Touch
  • When focusing on physical touch, think about ways you can ground yourself in your body. What helps you feel more connected to yourself physically?
    • This can look like creating a stretching routine to take care of your body daily, booking a massage for yourself, doing a body-scan meditation, going to the gym, playing a sport, and even giving yourself a hug. This can also look like dressing in an outfit that you feel expresses you authentically, or wearing your coziest clothes to do an activity of your choice at home. 

I hope that this practice leaves you with something. Even if it is just the idea to prioritize self-love more. If you tried this practice, I hope you found it helpful, and if it was hard, I hope you don’t give up. You deserve to be the priority in your own life, and that starts with loving yourself in every aspect of your life.