mindset

Failure has a way of feeling personal.

A plan doesn’t work out. You make the wrong decision. You take a chance and don’t get the result you hoped for. Suddenly, it’s easy to move from “that didn’t work” to “I failed.”

But those are two very different things.

One of the most powerful ways to build resilience is to change the way we speak to ourselves when things go wrong. Instead of responding with criticism, disappointment, or embarrassment, self-compassion gives us room to look at what happened with a little more perspective.

Your Mistakes Don’t Define You

Making a mistake doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means you had an experience that didn’t produce the outcome you expected.

That distinction matters.

When we separate who we are from what happened, we can become curious instead of critical. What worked? What didn’t? What would we change next time?

Those questions turn an uncomfortable experience into something useful.

Self-Compassion Isn’t Making Excuses

Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or pretending everything went perfectly.

In fact, self-compassion can make reflection easier.

When we aren’t spending all our energy judging ourselves, we have more space to understand what happened, take responsibility where necessary, and decide what we want to carry forward.

Sometimes growth sounds less like, “I can’t believe I messed that up,” and more like, “That was hard. What did it teach me?”

What If Experience Is Part of the Goal?

We often measure success by outcomes. Did I get the job? Did the business idea work? Did I reach my goal?

But what if experience counts too?

Even when something doesn’t go according to plan, we may walk away with knowledge, confidence, perspective, stronger boundaries, or a clearer understanding of what we want.

Those lessons can influence decisions for years.

If gaining experience is part of the goal, then many of the moments we call “failures” start looking a lot more like stepping stones.

Carry the Lesson, Not the Label

You don’t have to pretend failure feels good. Disappointment is real, and some experiences take time to process.

But you also don’t have to carry every mistake as evidence that you weren’t good enough.

Take the lesson. Take the experience. Take the perspective.

Then keep going.

Because sometimes success isn’t getting everything right the first time. Sometimes it’s becoming a little wiser about what you do next.

The way we see the world influences every decision we make, every conversation we have, and every challenge we face. Our perspective isn’t fixed. It evolves through our experiences, the people we meet, and our willingness to stay open to new ideas.

When we broaden our perspective, we become better problem-solvers, stronger communicators, and more resilient in the face of change. Instead of reacting automatically, we begin responding with greater understanding and intention.

Here are a few simple ways to expand your perspective every day.

1. Stay Curious

Curiosity is one of the fastest ways to grow. Instead of assuming you already know the answer, ask questions. Listen to understand rather than to respond. Every conversation has the potential to teach you something new.

2. Seek Different Viewpoints

It’s natural to surround ourselves with people who think like we do, but growth often happens when we hear different perspectives. Read books outside your usual interests, follow people with different experiences, and be open to respectful discussions that challenge your thinking.

3. Reflect on Your Experiences

Taking a few minutes to reflect can reveal valuable lessons that are easy to miss in the moment. Consider what went well, what didn’t, and what you might do differently next time. Reflection helps turn everyday experiences into meaningful growth.

4. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone

Trying something unfamiliar, whether it’s learning a new skill, traveling somewhere new, or taking on a different responsibility at work, exposes you to fresh ideas and ways of thinking. Growth rarely happens when we stay comfortable.

5. Focus on What Matters Most

A broader perspective helps us distinguish between temporary frustrations and what truly deserves our attention. Not every setback is a crisis, and not every disagreement is worth the energy. When we keep the bigger picture in mind, we’re better able to prioritize what really matters.

6. Practice Empathy

Everyone has a unique story shaped by experiences you may never fully understand. Before making assumptions, pause and consider what someone else may be going through. Empathy doesn’t require agreement, but it does require understanding.

7. Keep Learning

Learning doesn’t end after school. Whether through books, podcasts, online courses, or conversations, continuous learning helps expand your knowledge and challenge existing beliefs. Every new piece of information adds another layer to your perspective.

Final Thoughts

Perspective isn’t something we’re simply born with. It’s something we build over time through curiosity, experience, reflection, and a willingness to learn.

The more intentionally we work to broaden our perspective, the better equipped we become to navigate challenges, connect with others, and make thoughtful decisions. Sometimes the biggest shift in our lives doesn’t come from changing our circumstances. It comes from changing the way we see them.

It’s easy to love ourselves and be proud of who we are when everything is going well – but what about when we fail or fall short? When facing rejection or moments of low self-esteem, that’s when our self-worth is truly tested. 

So many of us are taught to see self-worth as conditional and something we earn through validation, success, or approval. But the truth is, our self-worth doesn’t disappear. That’s why it’s important to regulate our self-worth in challenging times. 

Regulating self-worth isn’t about staying positive all the time – it’s about learning to stay kind to ourselves no matter what. Follow these 4 tips to feel more grounded: 

Re-Evaluate Our Worth

It’s common to tie our self-worth to productivity, recognition, or achievements. But our value doesn’t solely rely on these things. If we put too much importance on the activity rather than on ourselves, that’s when every failure can start to feel like a personal flaw. We can recognize when “what we do” starts to blend into who we are and remember to keep the two separate.

Challenge The Inner Critic

The inner critic in us can actually be draining our confidence. While this voice inside us can be a sense of motivation to challenge ourselves, it can also offer harsh criticism. If we’re starting to think, “I can’t believe I messed up,” or “I’m not good enough,” that’s when it’s time to switch gears. We can begin to replace this critic with compassion, especially when we need support and growth rather than self-punishment. 

Be Surrounded With Self-Worth Mirrors

Our environment plays a huge role in how we see ourselves. There are people out there who uplift us, celebrate our authenticity, and remind us of our strengths. These are the types of people whom we should surround ourselves with. Those we can match our energy and reflect positivity back onto us, making our inner foundation for self-worth even stronger. 

Nurture Consistency With Self-Care

Self-worth thrives on consistency. Meaning the small promises we keep to ourselves are important. Daily rituals like taking mindful walks or journaling in the morning signal to our subconscious that we matter. When prioritizing our well-being, we are physically showing that we respect ourselves wholeheartedly. 

Final Thoughts

Regulating our self-worth is an ongoing practice. The more we anchor our value within ourselves, the more confident and at peace we will feel in the process. Once we truly believe that our worth comes from simply existing, not from something that needs to be earned, everything will begin to align.

Ever feel like you need a hall pass just to follow your own instincts? You’re not alone—but here’s the truth: you’re already allowed to live more freely than you think. You just haven’t given yourself the green light. Let’s fix that.

Here are 10 small-but-mighty ways to flex your autonomy—no gatekeepers, no guilt, just you, doing more of what you want.

Do Something Just Because You Want To

That $15 gym pass? Worth it—even if you only go once. You don’t need a spreadsheet of logic to justify a joy.

Try the Long Shot

Who says you need a 95% success rate to try? Go for that dream job, wild recipe, or off-the-wall idea—especially if the risk is low and the payoff could be huge.

Ignore Labels That Don’t Serve You

You’re not a “Winter.” Or a “non-runner.” Or “too old for that.” Wear the color. Take the class. Defy the box.

Break Your Own Weird Rules

Can’t do yoga until you’ve strength trained? Why not? You’re the boss of your schedule, not some made-up order of operations.

Ditch or Switch a Routine

Habits help—but they’re not sacred. Mix it up. Take a new route. Let your creativity breathe.

Create Something Wild

Paint your fence bright purple. Start a podcast. Decorate cakes like you’re on Netflix. If you feel the itch to make, scratch it.

Try Without Knowing Everything

You don’t need 20 hours of research to try salsa dancing or archery. Let curiosity lead—then decide if it’s for you.

Quit What Doesn’t Spark Joy (or Even Mild Interest)

Halfway through a book and bored? Close it. Spent money on a class but hate it? Walk away. Sunk cost isn’t a life sentence.

Do It Even If Someone Complains

They can whine, but if they can’t stop you, why let it stop you? Go to that art retreat. Watch that play solo. They’ll survive.

Ask Questions

Curious minds make great explorers. Ask strangers for life hacks. Interview people for fun. Let your curiosity roam.

Give Yourself a Little Yes

Small acts of autonomy build confidence. Do something tiny today that reminds you: you’re allowed. No one’s coming to hand you permission. You already have it. Go use it.

A mantra is a simple yet powerful tool to calm your mind, reduce stress, and improve focus. Originating from Sanskrit, the word “mantra” combines “manas” (mind) and “tra” (tool), making it a tool to train your mind. Repeating a mantra—either silently or aloud—can help bring you back to the present moment, quieting distractions and fostering a sense of peace.

The Science Behind Mantras

Studies show that mantra meditation can help reduce anxiety, lower blood pressure, and boost immunity. Repeating a mantra slows your breathing, promoting a state of relaxation and improving mental clarity. When combined with deep breathing, mantras help engage “resonant breathing,” which has been shown to synchronize the body’s systems for maximum efficiency.

Mantras Across Cultures

While mantras are often linked to religious practices—such as the Hail Mary in Catholicism or Sat Nam in yoga—they can be used by anyone. Simple phrases like “I am enough” or “Just this moment” can be just as effective in grounding and calming your mind.

How to Start Your Own Mantra Practice

1. Choose Your Mantra: Pick a word or phrase that resonates with you—something calming or empowering.
2. Match It with Your Breath: Slowly inhale for five counts while repeating the first part of your mantra, then exhale for five counts with the second part.
3. Use a Cue or Location: Repeat your mantra at specific times—during meditation, walking, or even while driving.
4. Be Patient: The goal is not to rush, but to stay present and connected with each repetition.

Benefits of Mantra Practice

• Stress reduction: Helps calm your mind and lower cortisol levels.
• Improved focus: Trains your mind to stay in the moment.
• Increased relaxation: Slow breathing promotes a balanced nervous system.

Whether you’re looking to reduce stress or enhance your meditation practice, using a mantra is a simple and effective way to bring calm and clarity into your life.

Your thoughts shape your reality more than you may realize. The way you perceive the world around you is largely influenced by your mindset. In fact, your perspective is the filter through which you experience life, and this filter is something you can change. Here’s how understanding the power of your thoughts can transform your reality.

The Power of Perspective

Have you ever noticed how two people can experience the same situation completely differently? For example, a lottery winner might expect happiness but find that old worries and insecurities persist. The same applies to any situation—a couple on a beautiful vacation might feel blissful, while another couple in the same place might be frustrated or upset.

This difference stems from cognitive biases, such as:

• Negativity Bias: Focusing on the negatives, even in positive situations.
• Emotional Coloring: Our moods affect how we see things.
• Beliefs and Expectations: Preconceived notions shape how we interpret events.

These biases can distort your reality, but you have the power to reshape them.

How to Transform Your Reality

Cultivate Mindfulness

By being present and observing your thoughts without judgment, you can begin to identify and change negative thought patterns.

Practice Cognitive Reappraisal

When faced with negative thoughts, reframe them. Instead of focusing on the anger someone cut you off in traffic, think about other possible reasons behind their actions—like rushing to an emergency.

Embrace Gratitude

Focusing on the positive aspects of your life can shift your mindset from scarcity to abundance, helping you feel more fulfilled and joyful.

The Benefits of Changing Your Thoughts

By shifting your perspective, you’ll experience:

• Less Stress: Reducing negative thinking helps manage anxiety and stress.
• Better Relationships: Positive thinking fosters compassion and deeper connections.
• Increased Happiness: Focusing on what’s good in your life makes everyday moments more meaningful.

There is a lot of cultural focus on the New Year being “happy” and ‘looking forward to the New Year.’ But, what if you aren’t looking forward to 2025? What happens if you feel difficult emotions, while all around you people are celebrating the New Year? Here are some ideas of how to cope with painful, difficult emotions:  

1. Reflect on some of the reasons you are feeling painful emotions and label them. Dread? Fear? Ennui? Helplessness?
2. Remind yourself that it is okay and very authentic to not be excited about the New Year.
3. Focus on self-care and self-compassion. You don’t need to make resolutions. You don’t need to “celebrate”.
4. Focus on not trying to fix or judge your feelings. As kids, most of us have been taught by peers/parents/teachers to ‘shut down’ or ‘solve’ our feelings, rather than sitting with them and honoring them in a productive, kind way. By shutting down and silencing ourselves we are taking care of everyone else. By allowing ourselves to sit with our difficult emotions and giving ourselves permission to feel differently than the group at large we are taking care of ourselves.
5. ‘Judge and Observer’:  I teach my clients, a way to view two ways of addressing our feelings;
   

Judge: a harsh reaction to how we feel (i.e.: should-statements, shutting down, telling self “I should be happy”; “I need to stop crying”; “What’s wrong with me”)

Observer: seeing our feelings through a neutral lens, as if we’re a camera and simply viewing and narrating how we feel (i.e.: using the Emotion Wheel to identify and neutrally call out “I feel sad and that’s okay”; “I feel angry and scared, and it’s okay to feel both”)

6. Engage in tools and apps and other resources:

Emotion Wheel: I love handing out the Emotion Wheel to clients who are building emotional regulation and mindfulness skills, reminding them to not try to fix/judge after they identify them, but rather see how our values can line up with actionable goals (i.e.: I feel sad and scared for my community, I value my sense of togetherness and support with them, I can go volunteer, talk to friends, donate, etc)

‘Both/And’ statements: to manage mixed emotions in the new year (i.e.: “I feel sad that I’m going home, and I am looking forward to getting back into my routine”)

The “Finch” app: (mood tracking and habit-building) is one of my favorites to suggest to clients who are learning to be kinder to themselves 

“Headspace” and “Calm” meditation apps: for moments of ‘negative space’ 

(disconnecting from screens and taking breaks from overstimulating environments at work, school, and social media – a time to just sit and breathe and notice what you’re thinking)

Here Comes A Thought song for distressing thoughts & utilizing mindfulness

Have a grounded, present, and authentic New Year.

By: Betsy Pownall

Institutional betrayal is a term that refers to a betrayal of trust or harm by an organization or institution upon the individuals it is responsible for. It can occur at work, school, religious institutions, or any organization. UO Professor Psychology Emeritus Jennifer Freyd developed the theory and defined it as “a wrong perpetrated by an institution upon an individual dependent on that institution”.

Institutional betrayal can take several forms that include:

Negligence

Negligence or failure to prevent abuse is one of the most common forms of institutional betrayal. For example: when a school fails to address bullying or harassment which can deeply affect a student’s sense of self.

Punishing Victims and Whistleblowers

Institutions that take action against individuals who report wrongdoing or abuse perpetuate a culture of silence and fear within the organization. This behavior can range from victim-blaming to firing, retaliating, and pressing charges against employees who speak out about unethical practices.

Cover-ups

Institutional betrayal can involve efforts to cover up wrongdoing to protect the institution’s reputation at the expense of the victim. For example: property owners living near toxic landfills prior to them being labeled a Superfund Site, such as Rocky Flats Plant in Boulder, Colorado, or the Love Canal Niagara Falls, NY.

Failure to Respond Adequately

If an organization doesn’t respond promptly to allegations of wrongdoing or abuse, it can make individuals feel betrayed. Inadequate responses could involve ignoring complaints, skipping investigations, and giving minimal assistance.

Normalizing Abusive Content

This includes institutions downplaying or ignoring abusive behavior or practices, making them seem acceptable or routine, which will create a toxic environment. For example: the abuse that has occurred within religious organizations in the name of god.

Some general characteristics make institutions vulnerable to institutional betrayal. These characteristics include:

• Membership requirements: a clearly defined group with strict requirements for membership often precedes institutional betrayal, as conformity is valued and members have the potential to self-police.
• Prestige: When institutions or their leaders play an elevated role in the community, their potential to perpetrate abuse may be deeply hidden. Leaders may lead with an assumption of trust and dependency which can be problematic when abuse is occurring, as to report the abuse would mean breaking an important relationship
• Priorities: If Performance and reputation are valued over the well-being of members, the potential for abuse and the cover-up of abuse is high. Institutions may emphasize “maintaining appearances” above all else.
• Institutional Denial: This is best described when an institution has had allegations of abuse waged against it and it  “others” the victims, casting doubt on the truthfulness of the allegations of abuse.

Coping with institutional betrayal can be challenging. Here are some strategies:

1. Seek support
2. Tell your story
3. Advocate for change: many survivors become advocates for change to prevent future abuse from happening.
4. Self-care
5. Legal recourse: consulting with a lawyer can help victims explore their rights and choices

The impact of institutional betrayal can be deep and long-lasting to the individual. It can cause emotional distress, mental health issues, a diminished sense of trust in the individual, and social anxiety. 

Advocating for change and holding others accountable can give individuals a sense of agency and empowerment and has the potential of restoring trust in institutions that are meant to protect and serve others.

The Center for Institutional Courage (CIC), founded by Jennifer Freyd, PhD in January 2020, is a non-profit dedicated to research and education about institutional betrayal and how to counter it through institutional courage. CIC believes, “courage sees a figure where our institutions act courageously: with accountability, with transparency, actively seeking justice, and making changes where needed despite unpleasantness, risk, and short-term costs”.

Sources: 

“What is Institutional Betrayal and How can it Affect You?” (2023) ImPossible Psychological Services. 

 Center for Institutional Courage, https://www.institutionalcourage.org/