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National Domestic Violence Awareness Month

By: Claire Butcher

We aren’t often taught how to recognize the subtle signs of domestic violence, let alone methods to best support our community when they’re in an abusive relationship. With October acting as Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we’ll review the common warning signs of DV, and learn the dos and don’ts of supporting a loved one through an abusive partnership. 

Common Warning Signs

Before learning the more subtle warning signs of domestic violence, let’s review the larger cues that stand out more clearly.

  • Partner’s inability to show compassion to others
  • Destroying your personal possessions or controlling your hobbies, finances, or schedule
  • Tracking your location
  • Threatening you, a loved one, a pet
  • Threatening to tell family, friends, colleagues about your sexual orientation or gender identity without your consent
  • Pressuring you to have sex, or forcing you to perform sex
  • Yelling, throwing things, and physical violence such as hitting, slapping, choking

Domestic violence often doesn’t start with overt, violent behaviors, but rather smaller cues that slowly wear the partner down:

  • Partner idolizing you at the beginning of the relationship, and putting pressure on you to commit quickly
  • Disregarding your privacy and routinely checking up on you even when boundaries are set
  • Acting jealous or possessive 
  • Isolating you by speaking negatively about your friends and family, even trying to persuade you to cut them off (ex: “Your family doesn’t love you”, “You’re better off without them”, “Are you really that close with ___?”)
  • Becoming anxious and upset when you don’t reply or come home on time
  • Making you second guess your own judgement 
  • Blaming their poor behavior on you or others
  • Volatile mood swings making you feel like you’re ‘walking on eggshells’
  • Pressuring you to commit to their interests and disregard your own
  • Putting unrealistic expectations on you or the relationship
  • Putting you down verbally, apologizing, and repeating the pattern

The Dos and Don’ts of Supporting Loved Ones

It’s normal to want to give advice to our loved ones who are surviving domestic violence, or even take control and make decisions for them to get them safe. However it’s vital to empower our loved ones to make their own decision with their agency to choose how to heal. Here’s why it can be hard for people to leave a DV situation: 

  • Fear of partner’s retaliation
  • Financial dependence on partner
  • Shame of both staying and leaving
  • Hoping partner will change
  • Wanting to stay together for kids and pets
  • Lack of support from family and friends
  • Cultural factors such as stigma associated with divorce

Dos:

  • Listen, believe, and affirm their situation 
  • Prioritize safety by providing hotlines and resources, and encourage them to make a safety plan 
  • Maintain connection and keep in touch with them
  • Respect their agency to choose their next steps

Don’ts:

  • Blame or judge
  • Attack the partner – this may cause a safety issue for your loved one, and is also taking away from their own decision on how to move forward
  • Give ultimatums or try and convince them to make a certain decision
  • Pity them or become emotional

Domestic Violence Hotlines and Resources

With nonjudgmental care and listening, we can support our loved ones and create a safer and more informed community. Please share the resources below with friends and family who may need them.

References:

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