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Tips on Talking to Loved Ones in a DV Relationship

Jaclyn Baker
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By: Betsy Pownall, LPC

It is difficult to know what to say when someone shares that they are in an abusive relationship.

Whether it be a friend, family member, or client, there is this moment of pause~the thought of, “How I respond right now will really matter.’

Here are some tips on what to and not do to/say when someone discloses this vulnerable fact of their lives.

What to say:

  1. “I’m sorry this has happened (or is happening) to you.”

Acknowledge you have heard what has been said, that you heard it and are listening. Acknowledge the courage it takes to disclose abuse and the strength it takes to survive. This is your opportunity to empathize.

  1. “No one deserves to be abused.”

This is a universal statement and an opportunity to connect with the survivor.

  1. “It’s not your fault.”

Don’t minimize the violence or blame the victim. The batterer is accountable and responsible for his/her choices and behaviors.

  1. “You are not alone.”

Violence in relationships is a widespread social problem, yet the victim often feels very alone. By generalizing, we can help the survivor understand that the abuse is not about who they are or what they did but about their partner’s attempt to maintain power and control.

  1. “There is help.”

Empower the survivor by offering information choices, safe space and support.

What not to say/do:

  1. Give advice.
  2. Change the subject.
  3. Ask trivial questions.
  4. Intellectualize the problem.
  5. Become emotional.
  6. Make decisions for them.
  7. Be evasive or elusive.
  8. Handle everything yourself.
  9. Ask ‘why’ questions.
  10. Pity them.
  11. Indulge in silly witticisms.
  12. Become insensitive or cold.
  13. Cut communication.
  14. Be judgmental or rejecting.
  • Don’t blame. The survivor is not at fault for the violence. It is never okay for one person to use force against another. Avoid questions that may sound blaming, such as “why don’t you just leave?”
  • Don’t participate in the denial. Violence does not change on its own; it often escalates. It will not simply ‘get better’.
  • Keep in mind: Battering is against the law.
  • Don’t ignore the danger. Is there a gun in the house? Are there children in the home?
  • Don’t focus on leaving if this does not seem to be a safe option. Help the survivor find ways to be safe.
  • Encourage developing a safety plan.
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Domestic Violence and Firearms

Jaclyn Baker

By: Betsy Pownall, LPC

Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior; a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against the other. It includes physical violence, emotional violence, sexual violence, and economic and emotional/psychological abuse.

All information below is from the  National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 

Did you know? 

  • More than 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually.
  • 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
  • 23.2% of women and 13.9% of men experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner during their lifetime.
  • Abusers’ access to firearms increases the risk of intimate partner death at least five-fold. 

Firearms as tools of terror:

  • Firearms are used to control, terrorize, and intimidate victims and survivors of domestic violence; most intimate partner homicides are committed with firearms.
  • An abuser’s access to a firearm increases the risk of death by 1,000%.
  • Women in the United States are 11x more likely to be murdered with a gun than in other high-income nations.
  • Possession of a firearm does not make a woman safer: an abused woman’s purchase of a firearm increases the risk of intimate partner violence by 50% and doubles the risk of firearm homicide by an abusive partner.

Domestic Violence in Oregon: 

  • 39.8% of Oregon women and 36.2% of Oregon men experience intimate partner violence and/or intimate partner stalking in their lifetimes.
  • On a single day in 2020, 59% of Oregon’s domestic violence programs reported serving 1,123 adult and child victims of domestic violence. In 24 hours, 300 hotline calls were received, averaging 13 contacts per hour. Victims made 118 requests for services that were unmet due to a lack of resources.
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National Mammography Day

Jaclyn Baker
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By: Tanya Kramer, LPC.

This day is celebrated on the third Friday in October every year, so this year it is celebrated on October 21st, 2022.  This day was first proclaimed by President Clinton in 1993.

On this day, along with throughout the month, women are encouraged to make a mammography appointment.

The American Cancer Society reported that early detection of breast cancer while the cancer is still localized results in a 5-year relative survival rate of 99%.

So along with mammograms, women should also perform a once-a-month breast self-exam.  Johns Hopkins Medical Center states, “Forty percent of diagnosed breast cancers are detected by women who feel a lump, so establishing a regular breast self-exam is very important”.

Women can use the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc website to learn how to do a self-exam and what to expect at a mammography appointment:  

Breast cancer affects 1 in 8 women in the United States. Breast cancer can also affect men, but at much lower numbers.

In 2022, an estimated 287,500 new cases of invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed in women in the US.  An estimated 2,710 men will also be diagnosed with breast cancer.

There are over 3.8 million breast cancer survivors in the United States, which is something to celebrate.  In the US, the trends show a gradual reduction in female breast cancer incidence among women aged 50 and older since 1990.

Some possible reasons for this decrease include a decline in prescriptive hormone replacement therapy after menopause, better screening and early detection, increased awareness, and continually improving treatment options.

It is important to recognize that there are disparities in care for breast cancer in the US (taken from the National Breast Cancer Foundation, Inc. website).  

  • Breast cancer death rates are 40% higher among black women than white women
  • Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths for Latin women living in the US (2nd leading cause of cancer death in women in the US)
  • 47% of women put off or postponed preventive services due to costs
  • Poverty, less education, and lack of health insurance are associated with lower breast cancer survival rates
  • 49% of uninsured women delayed or went without care due to cost
  • 30% of uninsured women were up to date with breast cancer screening in 2018, compared to 64% of insured women

Breast Cancer affects women globally, and it is the most common cancer among women worldwide.  The World Health Organization acknowledges that breast cancer claims the lives of hundreds of thousands of women each year, affecting countries at all levels of modernization.  So having designated events to get the word out about the importance of getting a mammogram can save lives.  October 4-6, 2022, is also called “Pink Week” to bring awareness to breast cancer.  You can learn more about this week and other events throughout the month of October by checking out the Breast Cancer Resource Center website:

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International Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD)

Jaclyn Baker
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By: Tanya Kramer, LPC.

This year’s theme is “Let’s free our voices, speak up, and show our stutter.”

Did you know that it is estimated that 1% of the world’s population stutters?  That means that there are about 3 million people in the United States who stutter.  Some famous people you might recognize who stutter include Winston Churchill, President Joe Biden, James Earl Jones, John Stossel, Marilyn Monroe, Emily Blunt, Hugh Grant, Steve Harvey, Samuel L. Jackson, Nicole Kidman, Rosie Perez, Julia Roberts, Bruce Willis, Bo Jackson, John Lee Hooker, Carly Simon, Elvis Presley….just to name a few.  Stuttering seems to be 3-4 times more common in men than women.

ISAD was started in 1998 by Michael Sugarman from Oakland, California. The intention of this day is to create connections between Speech Language Pathologists (SLP) and consumers as they learn from each other, give support, and educate one another along with the general public on the impact that stuttering has on individuals’ lives. Stuttering is defined as a difference in speech pattern involving disruptions or disfluencies in a person’s speech. An individual who stutters knows exactly what they want to say, but they have trouble producing the normal flow of speech. People who stutter might experience repetitions (D-d-d-dog), prolongations (Mmmmmmmmmilk), blocks (an absence of sound), or they can experience some combination of these. The severity of stuttering can vary widely among people.   

There is no identified “cause” of stuttering. But most researchers now consider stuttering to involve differences in brain activity that interfere with the production of speech, meaning it is a neurological and physiological condition. However, some people can experience an increase of symptoms when triggered by an emotional or situational factor.

There is not one specific cure for stuttering. However, many people benefit from various forms of speech therapy and access resources available through the National Stuttering Association. 

Controlling stuttering is a long-term journey which begins with acceptance of one’s stuttering. If you or someone you know stutters and wants support, you start by exploring The Stuttering Foundation.

I personally have benefited from working with a peer who stutters. I witnessed how he gracefully explained what stuttering is to teens in the program we worked at, and how he normalized that we all have things that are challenging for us. I am thankful to him for teaching me a deeper level of humility through vulnerability…and I will never forget that winter expedition!

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Shape Up From The Inside Out

Jaclyn Baker
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By: Jen Champion

Many of us feel a sense of body dysphoria at some point in our lives.

We judge our human vessel by what it looks like outside and often disregard the brilliant abundance of our human nature inside. We can get stuck under a blanket of doubt, sadness, and stagnation. 

We have negative words we tell ourselves, and some negativity is given to us by others, contributing to our despair. Most media resources show only bodies that are not accurately depicting the majority of people. 

The average American woman weighs between 148-204 pounds. The average adult American male is 195.7 pounds.

There is no time for living in a shadow of self-doubt. The time has come to rise and shine and contribute to your best self and humanity. Let’s radiate our loving light, live our best life regardless of shape and size, and embrace our whole, wonder-filled selves.

Engaging in inspirational offerings fuel our motivation and get us moving and gaining self-care and self-love.

One way to fuel our self-esteem is with music. Most of us will bop and groove, leading to a full-on private performance and exercise! It can help us move and free ourselves from inertia and self-loathing.

Lizzo, a rap artist, enamours audiences with her fuller body and music. Her messages include we should love our bodies for what they have done and can do for us. “Your body is perfectly yours, even if it ain’t perfect to anybody else,” her voiceover began over clips of herself showing off her curves. “If you only knew the complexities your body possesses, you would be so proud of it. 

I’m so proud of you. Making it this far in a society that gives us a head start into self-loathing, hands us a dysmorphic mirror and leaves us desperate to catch up with who we think we should be.”

Yoga is another exercise and healing arts practice that lifts the spirit. Yoga practice combines warm-ups, postures, mindful breathing, and meditation. 

Yoga is inspiring and, when practiced safely, can help us move with joy regardless of shape and size. A yoga practice can help us gain confidence and balance our weight from the inside out. 

Physical participation strengthens and relaxes our bodies. The philosophical and spiritual practices feature moral disciplines called Yamas.  

One that applies here is Ahimsa, non-harming or non-violence in thought, word, and deed. 

Ahimsa is not only our external judgments but also our internal personal harms that hinder our true selves.  

Our media sources depict yoga as something that is not always accurate and can challenge our experiences with Ahimsa. We may physically harm ourselves by pushing our bodies to do more than they can. We may judge others who appear more at ease in their bodies, clothing, features, and shapes compared to others in our group. 

When we can drop into our deeper selves, the judgments cease, and we experience feelings of contentment and connection, and these ways of thinking and being can be carried with us throughout our day.

The benefits of yoga come from the union of many nourishing ingredients, including physical practice and reading yoga’s philosophical and historical wisdom. We can gain mobility, independence, and confidence. When our bodies, minds, and hearts are comfortable and stable, we gain mobility, independence, and trust. We expand and move closer to our innate wholeness and unity with all beings, all shapes, and all sizes.

You will soon find practices for fuller figures on the Vista Wellness Center YouTube channel..

May your practice foster inclusive and positive feelings. 

Vista Wellness Center Yoga Instructors offer small group and private sessions. Classes are in person and online.

 Here are some inspirational resources for your further enjoyment.

 INSPIRATIONAL RESOURCES: 

Vista Wellness Center Videos

Curvy Yoga

 LIZZO

Amber Karnes

Buddha Body

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When Life Just Feels Too Busy

Jaclyn Baker
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Do you ever find yourself running on autopilot?

Do you ever get stuck in the same patterns just because it’s easy or convenient 

If so, you are not alone. 

Comfort zones may be comfortable. But some of the best opportunities may be hiding behind comfort. 

You have what it takes to break the pattern and take control of your success. 

It’s never too late to go after what you want in life. 

Think About What Comes Next

Have you ever put a goal on the back burner due to lack of time or fear?

More often than not, the longer we put something off, the scarier it can become.

Procrastinating on certain tasks can also become a habit if we don’t do something about it.

No matter what we say or do, time is going to pass. We might as well spend it working towards things that make us happy!

It may take some time to get results. But you will get there. 

Your future is in your hands.

Recognize Your Obstacles 

Your journey may not always be smooth sailing. You may face an obstacle or two along the way.

In order to move past your obstacles, you will have to recognize what yours are.

What makes you feel like you can’t do something? What are your limiting beliefs? Are your thoughts hurting or helping you? 

Once you’re able to openly and honestly answer those questions, you will be one step closer to success.

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The Power of Establishing Boundaries to Prevent Burnout

Jaclyn Baker
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Do you ever feel mentally and/or physically exhausted after a long day at work? 

If so, you may be experiencing burnout.

It’s not always easy to pinpoint which activity or general feeling may be causing your burnout. 

You may feel like your to-do list is unreasonable, or you may be pushing yourself past your limits. 

But the good news is these feelings are preventable and don’t have to last forever. 

By learning how to set boundaries, you can appropriately manage your needs and, in turn, prevent burnout.

Communication 

Declining opportunities you don’t feel comfortable accepting is a form of boundary setting. 

It all comes down to communicating your needs. 

If your coworkers, friends or family don’t know how you feel, they may not know how to support you. When in doubt, honesty is the best policy. 

Ask For Help When You Need It

If there is something you need help with, don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Not all tasks are meant to be done completely independently. 

And not all tasks can easily be figured out solo.

Accepting that you don’t know everything can help you better respect your time and honour your boundaries.

It’s easy to assume that your peers may not be able to help your event. But they may pleasantly surprise you.

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Getting Through Any Obstacle in Life

Jaclyn Baker
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Life can feel a little uncertain at times. None of us can see the future, which can be scary or overwhelming. 

We may not be able to completely get over the fear of uncertainty.

But we can do what we can to accept and embrace how we feel. 

Accepting and embracing our feelings can help them feel less scary.

If you don’t know where to begin, there is no need to worry. You can teach yourself to adapt to situations and step outside your comfort zone.

The very first step is to understand and accept that change and fear are part of life.

No matter what we say or do, our daily routine, job, home, friendships, and hobbies will change eventually.

Some of these changes may be for the better, and some may be for the worse.

At the end of the day, all you can do is adjust your mindset accordingly and maintain an open mind, 

You can either look at scary lifestyle changes as a setback or an opportunity to grow and thrive as a person.

For example, at some point, your job may require you to travel regularly, even though you’re afraid of travel.

You can either look at the event as something scary. 

Or, you can look at the event as an opportunity to face your fear. 

You have what it takes to change your mindset. You have what it takes to turn negative emotions into positive ones.

Thoughts are just thoughts and aren’t necessarily true!

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Hispanic Heritage Month

Jaclyn Baker
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From September 15 to October 15, we can celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month! It’s a time to think about the history, culture, contributions and achievements of Hispanic Americans from Spain, Mexico, the Caribbean and Central and South America.

This month was first observed in 1968 as Hispanic Heritage Week first by President Lyndon Johnson and then was enacted into law on August 17, 1988. 

September 15th marks a significant time for Latin American countries such as Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Nicaragua, who declared their independence from Spain in 1821.

This month-long celebration is meant to show appreciation for the culture. We can participate in our communities by surrounding ourselves with art, clothing, music, and food. It’s also a chance to encourage our friends, family and peers to celebrate the diversity and rich background of the Hispanic community. 

We can also acknowledge and learn more about Hispanic figures in history that have shaped our world today and inspired many generations to come.

In September, we can seize the opportunity to attend events, pay tribute to iconic Hispanic Americans, and discover more about the history.  

For more resources, check out the links below. 

Celebrating Hispanic Heritage Month

Hispanic Heritage Month | National Archive News

Hispanic Heritage Month Is Almost Here, and These Activities Are the Perfect Way to Celebrate

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Suicide Prevention Month

Jaclyn Baker
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The month of September is also known as Suicide Prevention Month. During this month, we can spread awareness of the importance of mental health and check in with our peers.

We can also remind others in our community that they don’t have to struggle alone. By having open communication, we can work together to reduce the stigma and let others know they have support if they want to reach out.

The goal of Suicide Prevention Month is to educate others to recognize the warning signs, learn about the facts, and offer the right tool/resources during difficult times. It’s important to let others know that there is help available.

Suicide Prevention Month is also a time to recognize the lives that have been lost to suicide. In 2020, firearms accounted for 53% of suicide deaths, and 90% of suicide attempts involving firearms are fatal. According to statistics, the rate of suicide is highest in middle-aged men, and on average, there are 130 suicides per day. Making suicide the 12th of the leading causes of death in the U.S. 

Learning more about suicide prevention can help us all recognize and reach out to those in our lives that may be struggling with suicidal thoughts. 

Vista will be spreading awareness for suicide prevention with a sign rally at Milwaukie Bay Park, from 12-1pm on September 24, 2022

Other ways you can participate is to join the “Out of the Darkness” walk in Portland on October 1, 2022 or in Eugene on September 25, 2022.

If you are worried about a loved one or are looking for someone to talk to, check out the resources below.

Crisis Text Line

Help Prevent Suicide

24/7 Crisis Hotline: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

You Are Not Alone Suicide Prevention Tools for Warriors

5 Steps to Help Someone Who is Having Suicidal Thoughts

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September is Recovery Month

Jaclyn Baker
,

By: Tanya Kramer, LPC

Recovery Month serves to elevate important topics in recovery, such as promoting/supporting new evidence-based practices, a strong/proud recovery community, and acknowledging both organizations and individuals who create the recovery community.

Observance of Recovery Month was started by the organization called SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration) in 1989 to increase public awareness of mental health and addiction recovery.  Purple is the established color to represent Recovery Month and Recovery Day which is September 30th this year.

Millions of Americans’ lives have been transformed by the recovery of both substance abuse and mental health.  Recovery Month provides a venue for everyone to share their stories, lift each other up, and provide hope for those struggling.

This month also draws attention to new research and interventions that could improve the process for those striving for health and wellness.

The 2022 Recovery Month Theme is:  “Recovery is For Everyone:  Every Person, Every Family, Every Community.”

Here are some organizations and links to learn more about Recovery Month:

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